As I sit on my broken bed, with my spine against the wall and my bum going slightly numb due to lack of motion, I wonder.

I wonder about how insignificant this moment in time will be in a decades time. The amount of worry and stress we mount on our shoulders at this precise moment, may not even matter to the twenty-five year old me, so why do it?  Having to get through the 'coming of age' stage in life is shown as a struggle; through media, movies and stories told by older generations. A question ticking through my head is thus; when do we 'come of age'? If anything, we are always growing, living longer, getting older therefore, when do we 'come of age'? Is there ever a time in which we can stop and say 'I've become my age'?

The last few weeks have been an emotional struggle. The fear of failure mixed with self doubt has driven me near insanity. One's own dreams have been bashed by others and the thought of not getting there nibbles away at the already diminishing motivation I have. A drive from my heart steers me towards creativity yet, my current status in the world, shuts it down.

Since writing on my blog over a month ago, nothing has really changed. Life goes on as normal and the feeling of 'meh' is forever present. School is a factor in this. Despite having to absorb myself in work that I no long find interesting, I have to do it. We all have to do it. This is why, again I wonder, why do we take so long to do the things we don't want to do, when we could get them over and done with first? Being the procrastinating individual I am, I quickly noted, that we always do the things we love first, it's plainly obvious.

This is why, I think I have come to a sort-of-maybe-might decision about my post 16 options. Despite others deeming them for the 'dumb', I am thinking of  doing a Level 3 BTec. I want to be able to focus my studies on what makes my heart flutter. There would be no point trying to cram even more information into my already unfocused mind, that I may not be fully interested in.

I want to be able to create amazing movies and document the stunning world around us. I hope a way in which I can do this is through my education. Linking back, I think to myself that we are forever continuing to tick. We never stop until we die. Never let a blip in your life mean that you're over, finished or have 'given up' - the best wine is one that has matured over time.

We are all on the mission for personal success, don't feel alone. The pain will be over before you know it and the realization of better days at hand will be clear. Stay current and keep your head focused on NOW.

Hope you are all well,

Love from Anna x

This is me trying to be 'current'.

This is a big year for my school career that 'shapes my future', which is all well and good until you realise that you actually have to work your butt off and get good grades. Even though I know that if I work hard and put in effort, it will pay off, I will always have doubt in the back of my head that nibbles away at me...
I have been back at school for a week now and I still haven't got used to being called 'Year 11's'. If your not from Britain, Year 11 is important as it is the year in which you do GCSEs; gruelling and painstakingly long examinations where they suck out your brain if you screw up. In a way this year is good as it means I know that I am closer to leaving the diabolical cesspit of upper buffoonery that the Government call the 'education system'.

Starting this year, I have a new mind set. Yr 10 dragged on and on and on, seemingly getting me no closer to leaving. Since starting Yr 11, I have had a slight wake up call in the sense that now I can see the finish line. Despite this, I know that next year it will just get harder as I move into post 16 education (A-Levels or BTec) but I won't dwell on that. I just know I need to start looking for collages/6th forms asap.

Two weeks ago today, I had the honour of watching 5sos play live at Wembley Arena - one of the best nights of my life. I went with one of my best mates, Rhianna and we had a blast!

Long time no talk.

On wednesday, I received the news that I would get 25% extra time in my school examinations, due to the fact that I have dyslexia.

As I mentioned this to a few of my mates, a number of them expressed such thoughts as, 'What? but I swear you are good at English' or, 'That is so cool! Do you think I could try and fake being dyslexic so I can get extra time' and 'So you can't read?' These points being annoying to some extent. There is a stereotype that dyslexia is cupped under - that is 'people who are illiterate', which is not true at all. Yes, it can effect English (reading and writing) or Maths (numbers etc) however there are many other things that can contribute to it.

Dyslexia is not a 'problem' nor does it mean you are different from anyone else. It simply means you think in a different way to others. I have been always been told that I am 'different' or 'weird' but that has nothing to do with dyslexia - something some people found themselves making links to.

Being dyslexic doesn't make you dumb.
Being dyslexic doesn't mean you cannot read.

I will embrace it and push forward in what I love to do - which is write. Another point I wish to make is that you don't 'suffer' from dyslexia. It shouldn't be a struggle. Yes, you can find certain things difficult yet that doesn't mean you 'suffer'. No matter how odd it will be, to not be with the rest of my year group when taking exams, it is very beneficial to me.

After an agonizingly long day at school with an additional 2hrs of so called 'dance', I came home in a pretty foul mood.

Recently, I have been feeling in these moods more often. This is effected by a few of the following factors, 1) I've been going to bed late (6am on Sunday morning is not the best idea - resulting in 3hrs sleep), 2) being petrified of growing up and doing exams and 3) my rubbish ability to be productive.

I know for a fact this is all part of growing up. At the moment I feel that, trying to survive is what you have to do. 

It's as if, saying that you cannot do things and giving up, will make you 'drown' - believing in one self is the idea of 'swimming' and surviving. After listening to 5sos and 1D when having a break from writing this blog (and clearing my tears), I have decided I need to 'grow a pair'. Either way, I am growing up. I could sit around all day moping or I could get up and smash it.

Exams and other things will take their strain on us, but there are always positives to things that break us down. Lets take my shoulder for example (read here if you don't know what happened):
To this date, it still looks a bit odd and aces occasionally however, 1) I missed out on lessons that I did not wish to be involved in and 2) I got free gas and air. Now I could say that the experience was negative however it was an experience in itself.

Things like growing up will get to us but it is a series of experimental experiences that are unpredictable. We don't know where we are heading or what comes around the corner, you never know you could bump into your favorite member of 5sos whilst on the tube or find a £50 note at the back of your wardrobe where you used to go to cry (yes mum, that was where I hid).

The things that try and break you down will only make you tougher.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
....and so on *enter another rubbish saying*.

(Thursday Night)
I'm currently sitting on my 'disgracefully messy' bedroom floor, with half straightened hair and a backside that feels numb.

After an ok-ish day at school, I came home to a warm-ish house. I was lounging around, I realized I had gone over 141MB of data (which is supposedly 'unlimited') and I was happily making my way down my twitter feed - when I noticed something on my phone.

Now without the details, names, ID photos, addresses and things, lets just say I was not happy. Yet again, some people had hopelessly tried to get to me. The pointless comments were yet again made by people who yet again, I didn't really know. The realization of the fact that, some people will always find a way of getting to you and it is your duty to set up a metaphorical fortress of tanks, machetes and Spitfires; that you can happily situate yourself in the middle of.

No way was I going to let these small minded individuals get to me. I feel that if they would want to talk with me then they must do so in person. I have no time or tolerance for people who don't make you the happiness you can be... and then support you all the way.

Today I am glad to say that I managed to overcome something that was getting to me - within a matter of seconds. Luckily, I have a network of genuinely nice humans, that I can speak to about things like this. They will send me messages that cheer me up or even simpler, make me food haha.

Some days, life can throw you the worst types of people. When this happens, you have to use this to spark a fire inside of you. It will make you strut your stuff, walk down the hallways, get the things you have always dreamed of, then still leave you with enough energy to heat a scented candle at their grave. They died in shock at how truly spectacular your performance just was.

If that spark has not yet been produced, give them a smile. A genuine smile. There is no point wasting your time being unhappy over a few dramatized people.

How do you deal with problems?
I had a shower personally. That always helps.

As I was irresponsibly melting a pen over a candle yesterday (I know I got told off), it got me thinking. Seeing the plastic slowly form into a different shape and change from a boring sainsburys' own red pen into something cool that I created made me think.
It made me think about how simple it is to change. I would melt the pen into a new shape and if I didn't like the way it had melted, I would heat it again and move it into another position. I linked this to life. If I can easily change a solid and turn it into a different shape completely and be fascinated with it (idk why fire fascinates me) why could I not do this with the way I think or how I act?

Surely, if i do something that I later think that I shouldn't have done or wish that I could have changed, I can 'reheat' it and mold it into a new shape. This doesn't mean that the 'reheating' takes a long time or that even the second time, the way I melt it is not how I want it, I should always keep going. Taken by someone close to me: Winners never quit and quitters never win.

Change is good. Hard but good. If we weren't losing friends/ changing the way we see things, we would not be growing older. Finding yourself and the things you are passionate about takes time. This does not mean we are doing things wrong or that things wont get better.

If someone looked at my pen, they would probably think it looks rubbish and throw it away. This is how some (me included) will sometimes think of oneself - rubbish and worthless. However, someone (for example me with my masterpiece of a pen, that should be in the Tate Modern) will honestly say that you are a work or art. You have been formed a certain way initially (like the pen) however you will change (run out of ink or be melted) but that does not mean that your previous self was rubbish (the pen was very good at sitting in my pencil case) , it simply means that you are changing. The things around you will change and people you are with will change, again, this does not mean you are worthless.

It means your portrait deserves to be hung in the Tate Modern as you are a work of art.

How was your Saturday?
I literally have not been downstairs today.
p.s. follow my new tumblr

After a very annoying (to put it as pleasantly and politely as humanly possible) younger student approached me today whilst swearing at me and immaturely calling me clapped and frass (i.e. ugly), I was left angered.  As I was leaving school, this child saw me and done the same.  At this moment, I was to either smash him round the head with my school bag or approach him non-violently. I personally believe it would be a waste if my own energy if I was to hurt him and it is plainly wrong, so I didn’t. Instead I approached him.

How was your monday?

It has not been my day.