I wanted to share with you my playlist for March, as it has been ages since I made one. Over this last month, music has been my therapy and a way of relaxing. If you know me well, you would be able to say that I will never go a day without listening to music. On my way to school = music, on my way home = music, in my room = music. If I don't have headphones on me, I feel lost - sad but true.

Note from Anna: Tajaljeh you are stunning!

Then I am on my way to the school, I take a bus and in 20 minutes I am at school situated in the city center. My classes start at 8 am and they last untill 2.30 pm. During that time, we also have a long lunch break, when me and my friends go to the coffeshop or market to buy ourselves something to eat and rest from school haha. 

I am a realist & no I am not Iggy.

I am a young, blunt realist who is currently having an existential crisis.

I cannot confide with myself until I fully understand and tell people what is going through my head - a momentious task that will take forever. Therefore, to put it short... I am, currently, having an existential crisis.

What is an existential crisis?

It's a hard concept to explain, if someone is not personally having one.

I am always in my 'own little world' and by this I do not mean a thought bubble where I am fighting Bowzer with a toothpick; come to think of it, that is pretty cool & sometimes I will think about those types of things too - but currently, no. It is a deeper puzzle, that involves the thought of death,  the unclear future and the brilliant thought that there is no real purpous for human existance.

Some would say this makes me 'mental' or 'odd', call me what you wish but I will embrace it. See, I am not ill or in need of a therapist as I get a personal joy out of the unforseable future. It scares the living daylights out of me, yet there is a slight enjoyment. That is what keeps me going.

However, althought it is all well and good - me being in my own world, there are two drawbacks.

The first being that, my attention spam lasts for about a millersecond and in that time, I have to be fully engaged or nothing will be taken in. The second, is that my productivity becomes nil and void meaning I never feel the need to do anything as there is no real point.

What different thoughts does it involve?

As I stated, it is a portal of thoughts which are heald together by the metaphorical glue, which is the love of fear.

For example, I was in maths today and it struck me that there is no real purpous of life... 'apart from to reproduce', my mate stated... however even then you are creating another life, that will again be pointless.

Other thoughts inclued, what happens after we die? What if heaven doesn't exsist? and... Was religion created to keep the people sein?

For as long as I can remember, I have been asking deep questions. I remember lying flat on my mum and dads bed crying and saying that I was scared. When asked why, I would state that I was scared of dying and start thinking about what happens when you do go? or is there life on other planets? or is there and identical solar system in a parralel universe that is exactly like earth?

What does it all mean?

It means I am a deep thinker.

It means I am not weird nor odd.

It means I understand more.

It means if I could write my whole philosophy+ethics exam on 'The meaning of life' I would be more than happy.

Resolution?

There is, however an answer to all these points and a way to get out of existential crisis'...

We don't know what is around the corner. Something, that some find extreamly hard to deal with - it is like a theme park ride but with no health and safety, no fast track, no breaks or any cameras to take a mug of you screaming. Life is a fullout, no regrets, #yolo timeline. You have to just keep going.

I find it amazing how for billions of years, the human kid has exsisted despite the fact none of us know the real purpous for living. So surely, if human kind still exists - there is a reason for that.

I conclude that each one of us are gamblers - not the type to fly to Vagas, spend all ones lifes earnings and get married to the first women they see. But a gambler none the less. Simple. We have no idea what is to happen next just like someone who gambles.

If my old t-shirt with #yolo on the front states the truth, you only live one. Therefore, we must make it our life. My one aim, is to be happy. Again simple. No matter how many times I will say 'it's not my day', I want to be able to be happy for one thing each day. Be truly happy and smile for the sake of it.

Currently, I am having an exisitential crisis... Yet, currently, I am happy.

I know this is a hard concept to come to terms with however that is what makes me feel so alive. Possibly one day, Jesus or a time traveling walrus from the future will come to earth and explain it all. Maybe not?! We will never know.

Like the One Direction song states, we are only as young as we are now. The earth just gets older and time never stops. Moreover, we cannot let anything stop us from reaching our pull portential and to push for whatever we want. Life is a game for gamblers and we all happen to be at the cassino tonight.

~~

This may be very relatable or you could stongly argee to keep me in a confined space for a while however either way, I am glad to have had expressed myself. People will either exept me for who I am, or judge me for what I am not.

No matter... like I always say,

Screw them, stay you
cus you are rad.

What are your deepest thoughts?

After an agonizingly long day at school with an additional 2hrs of so called 'dance', I came home in a pretty foul mood.

Recently, I have been feeling in these moods more often. This is effected by a few of the following factors, 1) I've been going to bed late (6am on Sunday morning is not the best idea - resulting in 3hrs sleep), 2) being petrified of growing up and doing exams and 3) my rubbish ability to be productive.

I know for a fact this is all part of growing up. At the moment I feel that, trying to survive is what you have to do. 

It's as if, saying that you cannot do things and giving up, will make you 'drown' - believing in one self is the idea of 'swimming' and surviving. After listening to 5sos and 1D when having a break from writing this blog (and clearing my tears), I have decided I need to 'grow a pair'. Either way, I am growing up. I could sit around all day moping or I could get up and smash it.

Exams and other things will take their strain on us, but there are always positives to things that break us down. Lets take my shoulder for example (read here if you don't know what happened):
To this date, it still looks a bit odd and aces occasionally however, 1) I missed out on lessons that I did not wish to be involved in and 2) I got free gas and air. Now I could say that the experience was negative however it was an experience in itself.

Things like growing up will get to us but it is a series of experimental experiences that are unpredictable. We don't know where we are heading or what comes around the corner, you never know you could bump into your favorite member of 5sos whilst on the tube or find a £50 note at the back of your wardrobe where you used to go to cry (yes mum, that was where I hid).

The things that try and break you down will only make you tougher.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
....and so on *enter another rubbish saying*.

It hit me about 10 minutes ago, prior to making a loo stop and checking twitter, that I am no longer afraid of certain things.

After just getting in, saying hey to my people and singing a song from Oliver with my dad, I, with no hesitation, grabbed my things and ran up the stairs. It only just hit me as I entered my bedroom door that, I am no longer afraid of the dark. It was pitch black and I was not one bit scared. It has come to mind that over time we 'grow out' of our fears.

That's the bit that I was confused about.
If we 'grow out' of our fears, when does that actually happen? Do we magically wake up and are no longer afraid of Evil Pingu living in our bath?
I honestly do not know.

1. Failing/Not succeeding.
2. Not being able to have kids.
3. Moths.
4. Death.
5. Evil Pingu.

What are your biggest fears?

With no doubt, we all have things we dislike about ourselves.

For a while, I was very self-conscious making me simply feel like poop. After sitting on top of a gate talking to a close friend of mine in the summer, I realized that his points were very valid. Over time, I learnt that loving myself for who I am was what I needed to do.

I wanted to tell you about a few of these things...

In life, you will come across people that you will never naturally get along with - a fact that we will all need to accept. Some however, choose to dislike people for no reason or even hate them.
I believe hate is a strong word, just as strong as the word love when used in the right context or syntax. 
This is what makes people at times feel low, down, upset, angered and a multitude of different emotions. Here's where my theory lies:

For the last week, whenever I have walked into my woman cave (ie. my bedroom), I have stated to myself that my room is a disgrace. Honestly, if my friends mum came over to my house and had a look at my room... she would faint. The thing is, I know that my room is a messy and I honestly can't be bothered to sort it out. I will wait until it is so unbearably messy that I get stressed out and will clear it up eventually.


The fact that I know that I need to do something yet aren't doing it, shows how lazy I truly am. For example, I have to sort out work experience, something I inevitably haven't gotten. Despite knowing that I have to find work experience and having sat in an assembly where the message was practically, 'You haven't found work experience therefore you are going to fail your exams', I still am not bothered on finding a placement. Moreover, things like studying also show how lazy I am. I know that I have work to do yet because I am not fascinated by certain subjects, I just won't do the work and get rubbish grades.

Overall this a downward spiraling mess that I need to sort out asap. The idea that I am too engaged into the internet and not my work gives the impression that I am just not ready for the outside world. After talking with a friend about it all, I literally gave up. Even thinking about how much work I will have to do to get to the social standing I wish, tires me. As soon as I think of GCSE exams I think of my bed. As soon as I think of doing shifts at a workplace, I think of my bed. At the end of the day, I am lazy and need to change it.

I want to get the 60% effort up to at least an 80% in every thing I do...
just after I go and have a nap.

Are you tidy or messy?