It hasn't been touched in a while, however today I thought that I would share a few things that I've written over the last couple of years in it, with you.

• Date of writing: 20/10/15

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is simply stop. Stop trying to carry on doing something or being someone that isn't making you happy. You have to honest with yourself. Saying no, is something you have the power to do and the decisions that you make, good or bad, makes you who you are. At times, you only have yourself to strengthen you - be your own cheerleader. The ability to get back up in the morning after you cried yourself to sleep thinking about the demons and are willing to keep fighting them, is known as bravery. Life will sometimes punch you hard, catching the corner of your jaw, causing you to drop to the floor, wait for you to get back up, to then kick you in the stomach, causing you to become winded. However, getting the wind kicked out of you, is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.

• Date of writing:  sometime after or around summer of 2015

The future is something we are obviously uncertain of. We know nothing. I transfix myself in the future when in reality I should focus on the now. The things happening currently, not tomorrow or next year, now. Living in the past, won't get you to the future and living in the future won't get you through the present.

With hard work, patience and time, it will all come to you.

• Date: Unknown

Never waste your breath trying to explain yourself to someone who is so arrogant, all they want to say is 'I'.

Wounds won't heal unless left untouched.

Moreover, a sea of people may surround you, but that doesn't mean you're happy. When it comes to people, quality is over quantity.

------
I guess these are all the things I scribble down in the early hours of the morning. It would be cool if you shared some of your notes.

It's amazing to see the response from you all whenever I EVENTUALLY write a post. I've missed writing and communicating with you all. I hope you've all been well.

Lots of love,

Anna.

As I sit on my broken bed, with my spine against the wall and my bum going slightly numb due to lack of motion, I wonder.

I wonder about how insignificant this moment in time will be in a decades time. The amount of worry and stress we mount on our shoulders at this precise moment, may not even matter to the twenty-five year old me, so why do it?  Having to get through the 'coming of age' stage in life is shown as a struggle; through media, movies and stories told by older generations. A question ticking through my head is thus; when do we 'come of age'? If anything, we are always growing, living longer, getting older therefore, when do we 'come of age'? Is there ever a time in which we can stop and say 'I've become my age'?

The last few weeks have been an emotional struggle. The fear of failure mixed with self doubt has driven me near insanity. One's own dreams have been bashed by others and the thought of not getting there nibbles away at the already diminishing motivation I have. A drive from my heart steers me towards creativity yet, my current status in the world, shuts it down.

Since writing on my blog over a month ago, nothing has really changed. Life goes on as normal and the feeling of 'meh' is forever present. School is a factor in this. Despite having to absorb myself in work that I no long find interesting, I have to do it. We all have to do it. This is why, again I wonder, why do we take so long to do the things we don't want to do, when we could get them over and done with first? Being the procrastinating individual I am, I quickly noted, that we always do the things we love first, it's plainly obvious.

This is why, I think I have come to a sort-of-maybe-might decision about my post 16 options. Despite others deeming them for the 'dumb', I am thinking of  doing a Level 3 BTec. I want to be able to focus my studies on what makes my heart flutter. There would be no point trying to cram even more information into my already unfocused mind, that I may not be fully interested in.

I want to be able to create amazing movies and document the stunning world around us. I hope a way in which I can do this is through my education. Linking back, I think to myself that we are forever continuing to tick. We never stop until we die. Never let a blip in your life mean that you're over, finished or have 'given up' - the best wine is one that has matured over time.

We are all on the mission for personal success, don't feel alone. The pain will be over before you know it and the realization of better days at hand will be clear. Stay current and keep your head focused on NOW.

Hope you are all well,

Love from Anna x

This is me trying to be 'current'.

This is a big year for my school career that 'shapes my future', which is all well and good until you realise that you actually have to work your butt off and get good grades. Even though I know that if I work hard and put in effort, it will pay off, I will always have doubt in the back of my head that nibbles away at me...
I have been back at school for a week now and I still haven't got used to being called 'Year 11's'. If your not from Britain, Year 11 is important as it is the year in which you do GCSEs; gruelling and painstakingly long examinations where they suck out your brain if you screw up. In a way this year is good as it means I know that I am closer to leaving the diabolical cesspit of upper buffoonery that the Government call the 'education system'.

Starting this year, I have a new mind set. Yr 10 dragged on and on and on, seemingly getting me no closer to leaving. Since starting Yr 11, I have had a slight wake up call in the sense that now I can see the finish line. Despite this, I know that next year it will just get harder as I move into post 16 education (A-Levels or BTec) but I won't dwell on that. I just know I need to start looking for collages/6th forms asap.

It is currently 10:31pm and I'm sitting on my window sill, staring into the world outside. It is a humid summer night - the ones I love the most.

I love the nights for two reasons...

1) It's still quite warm and I can happily open my window and stare out into the painted night sky, without having to worry about my nose falling off because of the cold.

2) I am alone with my thoughts.

I sit and think about a number of things. The future, the present and how I would like things to be. It is to do with myself, my own desires and dreams and the reality of it being extremely hard to get there.

For ages, I liked the idea that loads of people would read my blog and watch my youtube videos and I would travel and take amazing photos and make amazing movies and life would be good. I don't want that anymore.

I would like life to give me what I am meant to have. I would lik-

That was weird...
Three men just walked past my house and saw me in my window.
One said, 'why is that girl up in her window?', suggesting I am crazy.
Another asked, 'How did you notice that?'.

I didn't turn my head.

You know what is crazy... it's crazy that I am here, on my blog, just about to tell you guys how I am feeling and then I hear someone questioning what I was doing.

I don't understand. I mean isn't it odd that we just say what we see. That guy could have just kept the sight of me to himself, but he didn't. He had to express how odd I looked. Well maybe, I am odd. Maybe I live in a fantasy land that people link to tumblr. Maybe, I am being the weirdo of the school who stays up late and talks to herself. BUT, maybe because this is something I love to do and would love to share with someone who loves me, I am not odd.

It may sound cheesy and over the top, but honestly, I cannot wait for the day when I know someone loves me back just the way I love them. I give up trying to be a person I am not. I may sound mysterious but am I really? I feel like people just don't know me.

'We live in a world of people pretending to be something they are not.'

It is that simple.

I crave for someone I can be down to earth with and love.
No one knows who I truly am, that's because I have only just found out who I am myself.

I am happy that individual pointed me out from the darkness.

Tonight, is where the ball game changes.
'Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.'

Have an amazing day... weither you are sitting at your window at 4 minutes to 11... and never be afraid of being who you are.

Anna xx

• The Education System - with rising tuition fees, no coursework and more exams.
• The NHS - with cuts, selling parts off privately, leaving individuals who spend their time dedicated to making others’ lives better, with crap pay and possibly no job.

Today I sat back and thought (just after JAMIE MCDELL followed me on twitter and me fangirling for like 10 minutes straight...) about the pros and cons of social media. As my family don't really use social networking I am practically the opposite. I love spending my time on Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube. I was going crazy over the fact that Jamie had followed me and as I showed my notifications on twitter to my sister pointing at Jamie's name, she simply said 'Who are they?'. She was talking about Jamie and a few other people who followed me. It stuck me that I didn't know a lot of these people.

I really don't know. Twitter is a place where I tweet irrelevant things, kinda like my blog. My blog is a place for my irrelevant comments and ideas on things that according to my blogger stats people enjoy reading. It just struck me that people have the chose to follow another person. It was quite weird. Like do I really want people knowing where I'm going etc. It's hard. I love writing on my blog as I want to share the stupid things I do with people and share positivity. Like most of the time what I say on my blog is very irrelevant. However it does strike me how isolated my generation are. We don't socialise often and the so called 'social' media actually makes us stay inside and not go and explore the world around me. My brother made a point this lunch time that my generation will actually be the most unsociable, disrespectful, dumb people who are the most sociable, respectful and smart people. Think about it...

We spend all our time on social networking sites communicating with people all across the world. We spend a lot of time respecting peoples work and sicking up for others online.
We spend a lot of time researching new ways to cure illness etc

however that is all online. If we looked up from our phone for a split second it could change our lives as we make a new friend. It's a hard thing to grasp. Another example being we made calculators that can do sums that we can't do ourselves in our heads. Will technology be smarter than us? Is it smarter than us?